I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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