You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
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