There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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