i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
