Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Randomize
