i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Randomize
