ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
