Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Randomize
