this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
