Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
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