My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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