In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
