last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Randomize
