I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
