i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I didn't shave. On purpose
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
