so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
