Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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