Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
i now understand why vodka
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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