hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Randomize
