What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Randomize
