I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Boobs are out for the taking
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
