please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
