the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Randomize
