Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
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