I didn't shave. On purpose
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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