Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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