Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
