so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
