I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
