Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
