Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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