I'm laying in your front yard are you home
So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
