So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
is wine microwaveable?
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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