I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Randomize
