Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Randomize
