Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Randomize
