remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Randomize
