i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
Randomize
