Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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