went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
