well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Randomize
