That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
