I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
