they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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