Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
