i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Randomize
