The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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