Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
