forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Randomize
