I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
