Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
