I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
