sorry about calling you the devil all night.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
